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Barney and the Backyard Gang
(After the intro, we cut to the G-man at his desk in his room looking unamused) G-man: Do I really have to review this? I mean, I’m pretty sure you know what we’re in for. (There’s a moment of silence before the G-man speaks again) You’re not leaving until I do it, aren’t you? (The camera makes a motion like it’s shaking its head no. The G-man sighs in defeat) Well, here it is: Here’s… (He taps the camera) More motherfucking… (He does it twice more) Barney! (Cut to clips from Barney and the Backyard Gang) G-man (V.O): I can’t believe I’m actually reviewing this asshole again! Seriously, can I go one damn year without reviewing something Barney-related?! (He sighs) Nonetheless, we’re reviewing the prequel for Barney and friends, Barney and the Backyard Gang. God help me… (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: This was another request by the Legendary Jaden, and once again, I’ve gotta answer the call! Also, like always, I have to review this with someone. Luckily, I- (He is interrupted by static before we cut to the Nostalgia Critic in his usual location. During their conversation, it cuts between them) NC: G-MAAAAAAAAN! G-man: What the fuck?! NC: You just couldn’t help ripping me off, could you? G-man: Rip you off? Sure, I used some of your jokes throughout my reviews, but its nothing to sue over! NC: You bet your ass; I’m suing! In fact, (He pulls out his gun) I’ll make sure you-! G-man: Wait! If you want to prove that you’re superior, how about we review something together? NC (As he’s lowering his gun): Really? G-man: Why not? I mean, I’m about to review Barney, and I refuse to do it alone. NC: Barney? AGAIN?! G-man: Look, I don’t want to do this, either, but I have to get this out of the way. NC (After slamming his gun down on his desk): Bring it on! (Cut to the opening theme) G-man (V.O): Since every episode is over half an hour long, we’ll only be reviewing two episodes. The first episode is called Three Wishes. Also, the same tune from the sequel show is present, but the lyrics are different so that it shows the kids. Kids (V.O singing simultaneously): Barney lives with Michael and with Amy, then you’ll soon see little Tina tags along with her big sister Luci! (Cut back to the NC covering his ears) NC: Could their singing be any worse?! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): It opens with the aforementioned kids being bored on a Saturday, when… (The mother appears. She’s played by…) Sandy Duncan? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: What the hell, Sandy!? You’ve starred in classics like the Swan Princess and the Fox and the Hound. How could you stoop so low to Barney’s standards?! (Cut back to the episode) NC (V.O): After a song number, the kids come to the conclusion that need to make-believe. And who better to ask than Barney? (Barney appears looking somewhat terrifying. Cut between the two reviewers screaming in fright) NC: WHAT KIND OF DEMON CRAWLED UP HIS ASS!? (Cut back to the episode) Barney: I know of a wonderful place where the sun shines down on the thick, green grass, and there are lots of beautiful flowers and trees, and the birds are always singing! Michael: Where’s that? Barney: Your backyard! (The kids groan before we cut back to the G-man) G-man: Wow. We’re not even ten minutes into this episode, and Barney’s already a smartass! (Cut back to the episode) NC (V.O): So, Barney gives the kids three wishes so they can do something exciting. Tina wishes they could go to a theme park, and the others annoyingly agree. Barney: Okay everybody, make a big circle, hold hands, and close your eyes! NC (V.O imitating Barney): When you open them, we’ll be in the flames of hell! G-man (V.O): Jason is disappointed because there are no animals, but Barney, being the hell spawn that he is, sends him off to a farm. Meanwhile, we get another song which we will now skip. Luci: Barney! Barney! Will you jump rope with me? Barney: Dinosaurs can’t skip rope too well; my tail always gets in the way! (Cut to a bit later in the episode. Barney gets tangled in the jump rope, stumbled around frantically, and falls down. Cut back to the NC) NC: If you think that’s bad, you should see his reaction to end of Avengers: Endgame! (He waits a while before he speaks again) We’ll let you make the joke, we’ve got others. (Cut back to the episode) NC (V.O): After a song called Mr. Knickerbocker, we play a bit of baseball before we sing about the Moon. G-man (V.O): And then we end up going there via another wish. Oh, and anther damn song number! Kids and Barney (Singing simultaneously): Flying high in the sky, we look back and wave goodbye as our spaceship is flying away! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: I know what you’re thinking: (In high-pitched voice) G-man, why are you skipping these songs? (In normal tone) Listen, person-who’s-voice-is-unreasonably-high. Do you really want to suffer through this purple a-hole more than we are? (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): We land on the Moon, not questioning how they’re breathing, when we meet an alien. (Tina begins playing Patty-Cake with the alien. Cut back to the NC) NC: Imagine if this was the asshole that Area 51 found! Wanna storm it now, Internet? Didn’t think so. (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): After a reprise of the spaceship song, we go to the farm where Jason is waiting. (Cut to a picture of Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th) God, I wish. Amy: This is a neat place, Jason! Jason: It is! All the animals are great, and we can pet them if we wanted to! (Cut to a bit later in the episode where everyone is singing Old McDonald Had A Farm) G-man (V.O): Our next-to-last song is Old McDonald Had A Farm. Yep. He had a farm. What happened to it? He sold it, and now he owns the biggest fast food chain in America! NC (V.O): After that, we go home, get a different ending theme called Friends are Forever, and we end the first episode. (Cut back to the NC) NC: Well, that was Barney and the- G-man (Interrupting): Hold up! We agreed that we’re reviewing two episodes, and that second episode just so happens to be the live show! NC: What!? (Cut to the second episode) G-man (V.O): Yep. Barney had a live appearance even before the sequel series! Being called Barney in Concert, it was also the first appearance of Baby Bop, and took place in the Majestic Theatre in Dallas, Texas. As much I want to, let’s not delay! NC (V.O): It opens with Barney welcoming us with a new appearance, and more movement. Way more movement! Barney: Boys and girls, moms and dads, grandmas and grandpas, aunts and uncles! Ooh, I’m so glad you’re here! Are you ready to have a great time today? (The audience agrees loudly. Cut back to the NC) NC: It’s like he mistook sugar for coffee creamer and then snorted a pound of cocaine! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): Nonetheless, Barney continues to act annoying by, you guessed it! Singing about how special we all are! Barney (Singing): You are special, you’re the only one. You’re the only one like you! There isn’t another in the whole wide world who can do the things you do! (Cut to after the song) NC (V.O): After Barney introduces us to the kids, we actually get a damn rap! Michael (Rapping): My name is Michael, and we’re so glad you’re here! It makes me feel like smiling from ear to ear! Luci (Rapping): Hi! I’m Luci, and we’re gonna have some fun! Because Barney is a friend to everyone! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man (Rapping unamused): Last name G-man, first name the. I can’t believe this was on TV! Barney’s a dumbass, but you know that. Overall, I hate it, now I’ll stop this rap. (Cut back to the episode) Michael (Talking): Hi, everybody! We want you to know; you are all members of Barney’s Backyard Gang, and we’ve made a song just for you! But we’ll need your help. We’ll sing the verses, and when Barney points to you… Barney (Talking): Like this… (He points with both arms) Michael: You sing these words really loud: (Singing along with others) We are Barney and the Backyard Gang! Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh, Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh! (Cut to a clip from Austin Powers) Dr. Evil: How ‘bout no? (Cut back to the episode after the song) NC (V.O): Up next is Down on Grandpa’s Farm. Meh. Followed by the Noble Duke of York. Also, meh. G-man (V.O): Hang up! Shouldn’t it be the Grand Old Duke of York? The song is the same, but they say "Noble" instead of "Grand Old"! Why not use the original lyrics? And then we get Pop Goes the Weasel, the Alphabet Song, and Where is Thumbkin. (Cut back to the NC) NC: Hey, G-man, did you know that season 1 of Mister Rogers used that last song? G-man: Really? Cool! Let’s show a clip! (Cut to a clip from said season) Will Rogers (Singing): Where is Tallman? Where is Tallman? (He literally holds up his middle finger) Here I am! (He does it with the other hand) Here I am! (Cut back to the G-man looking appalled) G-man: Well, fuck you too, Mr. Rogers! (Under his breath) Dick…! (Cut back to the episode) NC (V.O): Up next is Sally the Camel, and then out of nowhere, Barney wants to surprise the kids. Barney: I’ve got it! I know a perfect surprise! I’ll use my magic: The Barney Shake! G-man (V.O as Barney): Even though I only used it once throughout the entire series. (In normal voice) Anyway, Barney uses his magic to summon… (Baby Bop appears in an oversized present) Oh, God damnit! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Can we go one Barney review without seeing and/or mentioning Baby Bop?! NC: Actually, there’s a better question to be answered; if Barney wished Baby Bop into existence, does that mean she’s his child? (There’s a moment of silence before the NC speaks again) I’m not making a joke, is that actually canon? (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): After we sing Mr. Knickerbocker, we give Baby Bop her name, and then we get what the official Wikipedia article calls; Baby Bop’s Street Dance. (Part of the dance number plays before we cut back to the NC) NC: Because THIS is what you think of when you picture Barney; gangster-like street dancing! All you need is the beat! (The scene plays again with a rap beat played over it. Cut back to the episode with the original audio) NC (V.O): After a fuckload of other songs that literally have no purpose, the play ends. I know it’s a letdown, but what do you expect from Barney? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: And that was two episodes of Barney and the Backyard Gang! And thanks for joining me Nostalgia Critic! NC: Yeah, I had- (He gets angry) Wait, why the hell am I doing this?! You still ripped me off! G-man: Jesus, are we back on this accusation again!? NC: Listen here, and listen well; I don’t care if you were "Inspired" or whatever. I just might come down there and kick your-! (He gets interrupted as we cut to static, and then back to the G-man holding a TV remote) G-man: That’s enough of that! (He sets the remote back down) Well, I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that! Peace! Category:Episode